Okay so this is what's been going on..

It's only been one day and i have so much to talk about. Okay so yesterday started out fine. i was in a better mood and had to open at work so yep good times :) anyways, i got there early and had been running late that morning to get mini to school so i had put off my devotions until i got to work. I had an extra 20 mins before i was even supposed to clock in so it worked out. I had prayed after the devotion asking God to guide me and possibly give me a sign as to where i'm headed and what i should do about the whole Superman situation. afterwards went back to doing my usual work stuff and it was a super slow morning. around 11, a lady came in because she was having problems with her phone.. like a charging issue and she didn't know how to turn the phone on. We resolved the problems and discussed some voicemail questions she had. i wrote down some instructions for her and then she started "reading my handwriting." Every thing she was a pretty much dead on from my personality traits to my recent troubles. it's weird but idk like i wasn't giving off any signs because i was in such a good mood. anyways, by the end of her "reading" i was pretty much in tears and completely blown away. if this was my sign that i had asked for, it pretty much smacked me right in my face. So that pretty much occupied my mind for the rest of the day. i spoke to Twinnie about it and she said it was weird but i should take what i want out of it. I just don't know. Anyways, so Superman and i were discussing it last night and he basically told me i should do what i felt was right. okkkk thanks i appreciate that, but i generally always do what i think/feel is right although i obviously have a HUGE fear of rejection. No two ways about that. I AM TERRIFIED OF BEING REJECTED!!! It's something I'm working on and in every other aspect of my life I'm completely competent and confident, EXCEPT when it comes to dating... oy oy oy! it cannot be this difficult. So anyways, him and i talked for awhile then of course me not dating comes up.. pfft. ok so i told Twinnie i would ACTIVELY look for dates. this involves me joining dating site.. so far i'm on 4 or 5, i think. match, catholic cupid, military cupid, speed dating online, and christian singles. jeez this is so hard to keep track of especially with all the notifications coming in on my BB. i've talked to a few guys thru email and one through text. i think we're going to hang out tonight. So we shall see how that goes. I'm pretty much obligated to date anyone who i'm even reasonably attracted to and can hold an intelligent conversation lol. Well this guy, MM, is attractive and we've been able to talk for more than the superficial conversation, so we'll see how it goes. I'm so going to try to be optimistic but honestly like Twinnie said, I'm planning on moving so why do the ltr thing with someone here when i wont be staying.. well i'll keep you posted..


p.s. i still haven't told Superman, but he would have to be the densest man in the world not to have picked it up from our past two convos.. or maybe i'm dense and not reading his signs, which Twinnie has also pointed out.. ugh

And there you have it....

Superman has a date tonight. Ugh, i'm okay though. he's a good friend and I want him to be happy. I have adopted him, so when he deploys, he'll be my Marine to send packages to and hopefully make things a little bit better while he's over there. I do hope that things work out and that he finds a wonderful girl. Just kind of bummed it's not me :-(

I'm sure I'll find my guy, in time.

Maybe it's just me.. id frickin k

so i'm just curious like how can a man who doesn't pay child support, because he thinks it's ridiculous, and only spends time with his children when he has time possibly criticize the woman who spends every single day working and furthering her education and raising their children with high morals and a genuinely happy life? I mean i'm the one who's here every night doing homework with them, tucking them into bed, kissing their owies, trying to make sense of this mess that their father created. I mean honestly, do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to your child that sometimes things just happen and no it doesn't mean daddy doesn't love them. That no, marriage isn't ever about giving up or having a girlfriend that's pregnant, but sometimes things happen that you don't understand. Jeez... why is it always me who has to fix everything? explaining to the children that they're getting a new baby sister, smiling when she's born and letting them know that she's beautiful. Never saying anything bad about their father or the woman who destroyed our marriage. It's exhausting. Especially considering the fact that he's in the Military and I did everything I could to make this as easy as possible. I didn't try to destroy his career because there had been a history of physical abuse and infidelity. It would have been so easy especially with him having a child with another woman, but I wasn't and never have been vengeful. I just wanted out. I wanted my children and I wanted out to start over and maybe, someday, find someone who can love me the same way i love him, someone who will provide the same support for me that i provide for him. It's ridiculous that he allowed this woman, and i use that term loosely, to post degrading things about me on facebook, for her to call my phone or send me text msgs saying the most horrific things to me. SHE is the one who was sleeping with my husband, not the other way around. SHE is the one who moved into MY house. She created this situation for herself by getting involved with a married man. I didn't even make it difficult. I just let it go. I never contacted him. the only time i talked to him or saw him was when he initiated contact. I'm not trying to be the victim. She actually did me a HUGE favor. I was always so afraid to leave him. I knew if i did he would kill me. He came close quite a few times. It had to be on his terms his choice, unless i wanted to go into hiding. So i followed my vow and took the good with the bad and always hoped for things to change. That he would stop drinking, that he would stop hitting me, that he would stop cheating on me, that he would actually come home when he got off work, that he would actually want to spend time with his family. I prayed so hard that it would be all the good times, and that when the bad came, it wouldn't be as bad. That I wouldn't end up with a broken nose, or a broken face, that i wouldn't have multiple concussions or get knocked down the stairs or dragged down the street by my hair. That before he kicked me or stomped on my head, he would realize that I'm his WIFE, I'm the woman how had always stood by him no matter what, but that was never the case. It never stopped him. He would always hit me or kick me or stomp on me and spit on me while telling me how worthless i am, how stupid i was, how it was all my fault for making him so angry that he had to do this to me. Then when it was all over with, if i was still conscious, i would crawl up the stairs to bed or into the bathroom to shower, to get the blood off or to cry myself to sleep. If i wasn't he would pick me up and carry me to bed or leave me there until i was able to make it myself. It NEVER changed. ever. Even when he was wounded on deployment and in DC at a medical center there, I was right there with him for him. Then came St. Patty's Day, our entire family was there, my mother in law, my brother in law, the children. We were all out there for the week because it was St. Patrick's Day, then my birthday, then our wedding anniversary. It was something for all of us to celebrate because we had been through so much and we managed to work it out, we managed to give it another chance. He had almost lost his life and it was one of those life changing experiences, which made him realize his family was the most important thing to him and that I was the most important to him. But then came Saint Patricks Day. I should have known, every previous year it had been the same outcome so why oh why would this one be any different? we went to an Irish Pub and ate, then proceed to do Irish Car Bombs.. pretty much my favorite bomb ever, but you've gotta not overindulge because they sneak up on you.. well him and his brother were slamming them. I decided that we should probably leave because they were getting schwasted and he tends to get angry when he drinks. Well everything was fine, we got back to his room, and we started talking about how far we had made it and our upcoming anniversary and how marriage is always about forever. Then it happened, he snapped. it ended with me running to the front desk telling them that my husband is trying to kill me. their response was, "Ma'am, the soldiers here are under a lot of stress. You need to go back to your room and talk to your husband." Stupid me.. what did i expect to happen. I knew better. there were families on either side of us, their husband's beat them just about every night. You would hear the screaming and the banging. you would hear the connect as he landed his hit. The wives would hide out for a few days only going outside to take their children to the small playground outside of the hall. always with hoodies and big sunglasses on. I knew better. So back to the room i went. Needless to say the next few days, I slept. I got up to do things with the family and of course dinners to celebrate my birthday and our wonderful marriage... but other than that i slept. His mother gave me pain pills and i would cover the bruises as best i could. That had become my life and I had openly accepted that it would never change. However that was also the last time he put his hands on me. I flew home a week later and he came home the following month, but he stayed at his brothers, then he went back to DC. We kept working on our marriage but then a few days after he got home in July, I found out about her... then I found out she was pregnant.

So after all of this, I told him all i want are my children and a divorce. Fine he said that's fine with me as long as i don't file under adultry. Ok fine. I don't want to ruin your career or your life. I just want you out of mine.

I don't know what else to do. I've come so far since this whole situation. I am truly happy with where my life is now and I feel like I've found myself. My children are thriving and, albeit, we still have conversations about mommy and daddy and their little sister and even her, they have an acceptance of it and understand that it is not what marriage is or should ever be. I'm finally to the place where i feel like i can actually date actually be with someone and not bring all my bad stuff in from my past relationship. I feel at peace with myself and feel as though i want so much more from my next relationship. I don't see the point of anything less than forever, but in order to achieve that, you've gotta start with someone who has the same values as you, who has a strong faith, who is in general a good man. I will always want the role of the loving and supportive wife, it's what I know how to do, however this time I will be more discerning as to ensure he is worth it.

gosh, i got off topic, which was, yes, i'm extremely annoyed that after all this he wants to complain about my working full time while taking 16 hours of class... ugh.

Modesty?

"I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting. In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." (I Timothy 2:8-9)

So as I'm trying to redirect my life and focus more on my relationship with God, I've attempted to do a daily devotional, inspired by Twinnie, who does like 3 different ones in the morning. I do one and today it was about Modesty. Hmmm, I haven't actually sat down and thought about modesty in a really long time, like since high school religion class... yea, I went to Catholic school, so religion was a consistant class. Anyways, this devotion really spoke to me. Although not a conscious decision, lately I have been purchasing more modest clothing. Clothing without clevage or that isn't super short to show off my awesome legs, even my shorts for summer are longer. I just don't feel "comfortable" any longer wearing all these revealing things and honestly, I don't need to show my goodies for a man's attention and let's just keep it real here, THE REASON WOMEN WEAR THINGS LIKE THAT IS TO GET MALE ATTENTION.

Alright, now that that has been addressed. I have always worn low cut shirts. It's always been one of my attributes.. great cleavage and it's offset the fact that i have no backside.. like none, it's flat as a board. I'm okay with it, well as okay as you can be with two friends that have more back than a sir mix a lot song.. pfft! anywhos, so whenever i've gone out it's always been like.. hmm how does my cleavage look? And no surprise, guys paid attention. then at some point in the past few months I've realized that I'm not entirely comfortable when i'm wearing stuff like this. Like i'm always tugging at it and trying to, subconsciously, cover up. so just yesterday I went shopping and bought some tops. Didn't give much thought to it since it was a quick run into the store since it was my lunch. when i got home last night and took a look at them, they're all higher cut no cleavage shirts and i love the way i look in there! I've realized that I'm an amazing and beautiful person regardless of if i'm in modest or "less than modest" clothing. However, that's definitely not the image i want to put out there and I, MOST DEFINITELY, do not want my children seeing me and thinking it's acceptable bc there's no possible way I would EVER let my girls dress like that and if my son attempted to bring home a girl that wore clothing like that, well, lets just say, I'd be LESS than thrilled lol.

So i've decided to start being more modest. Not to say that I'm going to start covering up from neckline to ankle, but I'm definitely keeping my girl parts under wraps and I think I'll still be just as attractive, but maybe to the right people for the right reasons ♥

Do you care about all the little things or anything at all?

I seriously LOVE this song. It puts so many things in perspective for me.. I'm always on here venting, complaining about so many things. Life is so short and there's no telling what will happen in the next moment. you lose those close to you in a blink of the eye and there's nothing you can do about it. So do you dwell on the little insignficiant things or do you give thanks for having those amazing people in your life and cherish every moment of it. Never take anyone for granted because you never know when they could be gone. It's so easy to lose your perspective to keep putting things off and say you'll do it tomorrow or not making that call because something else come up. Just remember time doesn't stop just because you have something come up. Events are constantly happening life is constantly changing life and death keep going, it's just part of the life cycle.
don't hold on to the past, it's not going to make your future better. you've gotta keep going, make plans, take opportunities as they arise. I'm not the most patient person in the world and i love to come up with excuses about why not, but when it's something i really really want i rush in head first without actually acknowledging the consequences. sometimes it works, sometimes i massively fail. just varies but at least i tried at least i can't wonder what if. that's all i ask for, that out of every life experience i have, regardless of whether or not it ends good or bad, i am never left wondering.

p.s.

I have also made a decision about my life. I DO want to move. So I'm giving myself a year from today so i have until MAY 16, 2011 to get my butt into gear and get my stuff together. By together, I mean: 1. Dbag completely and totally outta my life with only legal obligations tying us together. i.e. the children.
2. start saving the portion of my income that i would normally put towards rent and use it as my "Moving Fund"
3. get all this stuff paid off and actually be able to start over fresh somewhere without going into my trust.. still got another 2 years on that sucker.
4. make a plan and stick to it about where i would like to move, find a job in the area, figure out the housing situation, the school systems, and child care options for when i'm at work and the minis are free from school.
5. finish my 2nd degree so i can switch career fields


I think in a 12 month period all of this is obtainable just gotta stay motivated and keep on track. I can't start slacking or get lazy on this.

where may i move you as? well of course Twinnie would love for me to move to Cali and be her heterolifemate and all of us would live happily ever after. well since her hubbs is a super awesome kick butt Marine, there's no guarantee that they will be there for any length of time past this deployment so we shall see.. plus they have a roomie whom i would probably be best off not living any where close to.. lol
the place that keeps popping back up in my mind is Savannah.. oh how i love Savannah. it's my absolutely total happy place. However, I know ABSOLUTELY no one there any more but sometimes i think that's what would be best for the children and I. Idk gotta keep the options open and figure it out as it comes. I figure as long as i stick to my aforementioned goal, God will guide me on the rest. ♥

Can't sleeeeeeep!

So sucky because i seriously work for like hours tomorrow and in less than 8 hours blah... cannot sleep. sucking at life seriously. So i've made a decision, the guy who totally inspires me and makes me all stupid happy, isn't going to work. Like i just don't get the interested vibe from him, which sucks but at the same time is ok because he's still a great guy to be friends with :) anywho, i've become interested in his religion since i've met him bc it's such a huge part of his life and he's an honestly good person.. weird, i just never seem to meet people like that anymore, guys or girls. So yea i did some research and read up on it and basically discovered that i had a lot of questions but like i'm hestiant to ask questions because like religion is a sensitive topic. well today i finally did send him a email asking if he was willing to talk about it and he said sure ask away and he'll try to get me the answers i need. ok super cool. I've always loved learning about different religions especially since I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic schools, still go to Mass and all that.. haven't really experienced anything else, except for that brief stint when i decided i wanted to be Wiccan and my dad totally freaked. lol.. not my fault just watched The Craft too many times. Plus how are you not interested by a religion based on nature? i mean c'mon.. anyways, so i shall inquire and prod him for all the information my overzealous brain can handle.


Topic Jump

it's 0330 and I am wide frickin awake. ugh cannot sleep ugh need sleep ugh but as he responded to my email this late my mind is now racing.. i was ALMOST asleep earlier but Twinnie bbm'd and we starte discussing engagement rings that i want and she showed me her new ring *jealous* and then i had to show her the promise ring i picked out for her and i.. ugh long frickin day. anyways, forgot i was tired and here i am. so i started wondering like is it possible to maintain my individuality when i'm surrounded by people. It's like i really don't have a lot of preferences. i pick things that i like or enjoy but in the end there's not a lot that i don't like. I'm somewhat SO openminded that there are a lot of things I don't have a definitive opinion about. When i say it doesn't matter or whatever you like, I actually mean that. Like the only time i give a definitive answer is when it's something i specific want. I never used to be like that. I was so strong willed and had such a strong opinion about most things in life. I think dbag broke that aspect of me. whenever my opinion or wants differed from his, he would tell me i was stupid or wrong and it never mattered anyways because we always ended up doing what he wanted. So now i'm trying to really rediscover me. I have to a certain extent but then it's like i'm always trying to make myself better, i'm always trying to improve myself and with that comes change like constantly so the question is do i even know who i am right now? well my answer to myself is if i have to ask then probably not.

you now have reason 52,678 of why Cass should stay single.

LoveGivesMeHope

So lately I've been kind of obsessing and a little bit down. Focusing on never actually finding someone.. seems a little bit silly because i know that it will happen when it's meant to be and I am okay with that. I think sometimes it just gets to me, but hey, I'm human, that'll happen :) Anyways, I came across this website http://love.givesmehope.com it's such a great site. The stories on there are amazing and inspiring. I know that when it does happen for me, this time it will be forever and I will fight like heck to make sure it does. Love is easy, but maintaining a relationship isn't. there are so many components that make up a healthy relationship and if you stop working on even one aspect, then you leave open the possibility for it all to come crumbling down..

So as i head off to bed, I will say my prayers and let God know that I am now ready to move on. I am ready for whomever it may be that he has pick for my forever and when he sees fit to bring him into my life, I am willing committed to doing the work and making it last forever ♥

people, friends, ect....

People are different. No two people in the world are the same. Everyone has different needs, different goals, different wants. Everyone has been through their own share of trials, have their own fears, and have different viewpoints on what is and isn't important in life. Everyone has bad days or bad moments, they have different things that set them off. My point is this is why i try not to be judgmental. What I deem important in life, may not be what someone else sees as a priority. What drives them to their goals and dreams may be far from my ideal of a motivator. It's just basic facts of humans. With all the components that go into making a person who they are, there's never going to be anyone who truly gets them all the time. At least no one on this Earth.

I always try to keep this in mind when i speak to anyone but especially when any of my friends seek me out for advice or support. All of my close close friends I have been friends with for years. I have been there for them through the many ups and down that life has thrown at them even when it seems that they have hit rock bottom. I've always been available, no matter what. They have always been able to get ahold of me at any time of the day or night regardless of what I've had going on in my own life because they mean that much to me. Their friendship and overall well being is just that important to me.

When listening to their problems or the hardships or even their joys, I try not to voice any opinions or advice from what I would do. I take into account the situation and past history and I give my support because no matter what path they chose, I'm always going to be here and I try never to say "I told you so." Which kinda brings me to my point. No, I do not always agree with the path they chose, most of the time I, personally, would probably chose a different option or handle things in a different manner. I have never told them that their priorities are messed up or that they are focusing their energy on the wrong aspect of their life, because, in all honesty, yes they are my best friends, but at the same time, who am i to tell someone that something that is so important to them shouldn't be? who am I to tell them, that the decision they are making for their future is the wrong on and they should be running the opposite way? I feel as though I'm here to be a shoulder to cry on, a person to bring joy into their lives, a friends to share my wisdom with them based on the events I have been through but NEVER to judge them for the choices they make or to hinder they own self discovery.

Sometimes I have bad days. Usually I don't because I'm one of those smiley happy people who takes things as they come and generally go on an' brush dem shoulder off.. hehehe However, there are times when my emotions get the best of me or when I feel completely overwhelmed and honestly i feel like I'm entitled to that from time to time. I'm a single mother to 3 children, yes absolutely wonderful children whom I love and adore with all of my being, but still 3 children who are trying and exhausting and demand so very much from me because I am their mother. I've had a year from hell going through a horrible divorce that began with me finding out my husband was cheating on me when his "girlfriend" posted on facebook that she was pregnant.. doesn't get more heartbreaking than that let me tell you. And this is after years upon years of dealing with physical and soul depleting emotional abuse from him. I cannot even count the number of concussion and broken noses this man has given me, but through it all i was there for him 110%. I keep our children taken care of, our home taken care of, and was his complete support upon years of deployments and separations courtesy of our wonderful country. I have a demanding and stressful job that I'm never really off of and am constantly in communication with.. heck, even when I went on vacation for the weekend, I was sitting in the Atlanta airport on my layover making calls and sending out emails because that's what was required. Yet, I have moved past the pain and devestation he has caused me and have built a new and wonderful life that I am thriving in. However, I do believe I am entitled to have a bad day. I may have a mini freak out from time to time, but it's not ever anything that will break me. I just wish when these things occured I had the people there who support without judgment. Who don't tell me that I have my priorities misplaced or that I need to focus my energy elsewhere. I have spent the past year of my life on my own. My priorities beign my children and myself. rebuilding everything dbag destroyed, rebuilding my faith, and finding myself again. It has been a hard and long process with quite a few setbacks and detours. It's a process that is constantly ongoing and will always continue because your good should become your better and your better should always become your best and your best should be constantly evolving.

Right now my life is at a turning point. It not just based on one aspect of it. It's with everything. I don't know which way to go and I'm putting all of my faith in my faith to guide me and to give me the strength i need to make this journey. I just sometimes wish I would get the patience, understanding, and compassion that I give out; not the judgment or negativity. I just wish sometimes people would understand that I can't always be the person they expect me to be and maybe realize that they don't know exactly what I'm going through or what's weighing on my heart at that moment.

Would I have the wisdom I have now if I hadn't gone through all the trials that created the knowledge it's based on?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


So I shall keep praying, I shall keep looking, I shall keep moving forward and keep making the choices that are best for myself and my children and have faith that God will continue to guide me and provide me with strength ♥

It must be your skin I'm sinking in... Must be for real 'cause now I can feel...

And I didn't mind, it's not my kind. It's not my time to wonder why....

omgoodness, I completely love this song. It's one of those songs that run through your mind and you've just gotta hear.. I actually started this last night but I was getting tired so I'm doing it today. Oh and I've probably listened to this song in various different versions about 15 times in the past 24 hours..

So anywho, it's THURSDAY!!! Woot! Woot! It's my final day off for the week before this weekend kicks my butt at work. Just finished our Thursday morning conference call, and **fingers crossed** hopefully my last work related event for the day. That makes me giggle because, unfortunately, I am never actually "unavailable." So my plan for the day is to randomly blog as things come up, get the rest of this stuff on facebook as my sd card on my digi cam is almost full and I've gotta put this stuff somewhere, go to the gym and get my cardio on-- p.s. i feel as though its actually working because weirdly where that flat slate section that extended from my lower back to my upper thighs is not so flat anymore! woot! woot! Is it actually possible for me to have some type of a butt? idk but that would be ahhhh*mazing!!!---, then come home and do my p90x. Since it's so cold and rainy, with a high of 62 :(, i am thinking about cooking some beef stew or chicken and noodles for the minis when they get home, but my father would like me to cook a ham.. who the heck makes ham on a Thursday? I tried to explain to him if i make the ham then I am committed to making a full course meal with sides and everything. Apparently he sees no problem with this...pfft! of course not, since I'm the one who's supposed to cook it and I hardly even eat meat lol.. oh wells, it's a ham and he asked, I could never deny anything my father has requested of me and let's be honest, he doesn't ask for much :) So i'll make the ham and throw the beef stew into a crock pot Saturday before I journey off to work. I just feel bad because in all honesty, all i want to do is curl up in bed, read a little bit, nap a little bit, watch a few movies, and enjoy my alone time before the kids get home from school. Commitments to myself and my fellow workout partner has made this not possible.

pfffffft!!! ****insert super red face smiley HERE**** Just typed this SUPER LONG blog and it didn't post all of it only this half so this is all you get for now. I'm officially miffed! may rewrite and repost later but jeez.. ugh.



Okay back to continue.. As stated about ^^^^^^ I had another 2/3rds written but i forgot to save when i published so it is gone to a cybergrave.. No worries though, i am back and shall elaborate on this song i titled this with. lol.. jeez who doesn't like that song? is it even possible? i think not. So like i said this song has been in my head for the majority of the past two days. Of course it inspires thoughts of a certain someone but he's in my head a lot anyways. So anyways, like i feel as thought things are finally coming together. I've managed to remove the majority of the negative in my life and what I cannot remove, I can definitely control how it affects me and how i react to it. Not everything in life is roses and sunshine with a side of butterflies (although that would be awesomely amazing) and ya gotta take the good with the bad and deal with it to the best of your ability. everyone makes mistakes and at times feels like they've failed, but it's all just part of this lesson we call life. there is guidance out there, you've just gotta be open to the signs as their presented and actually take your head outta your you know what and maybe just maybe you'll see what's directly in front of you.

So right now, I'm living my life for myself, my children, and God. I know that I cannot control anything that happens and i most definitely have no control over the actions of others. As long as I'm honest and true in my words and intentions, I have done my part, well at least most of it :)

So i mostly feel like today is like D Day.. Since I've gotten home from visiting my twinnie in Cali, it's like i've been kinda counting down to this day and now I'm completely clueless on how to proceed. Like i honestly thought i wouldn't hear from him for at least a day if nothing else not til tonight, ya know once he got home and relaxed and did all that, but nope, I got a bbm as soon as he got in from the field.. ah mazing and definitely unexpected. Just kinda thought i'd have more time to figure out how to broach the subject. mostly just think i'll just tell him about the things that have occured since he's been gone. I really just want to build on the friendship we're developing but like i only want to focus my attention onto getting to know him and only him. if that makes any sense. ugh i have a feeling this could end up as a fml moment. i guess we shall see and i shall update whenever i know. these are the adventures of my life... sometimes i think it would be easier to avoid it all but then i wouldn't be being true to myself. Gotta take the leap to see if its worth the fall right? unfortunately the downside to that is that you could fall flat on your face if no one is there to catch you ♥

Day Two of this Bloggin exercise...

Alright so it's day two of this blog.. i'm actually really excited about this.. there are so many random thoughts that run through my head on a regular basis, it's good to have some sort of outlet.. hey Twinnie.. that comment.. totally made me cry. I truly cannot believe how far i've come since dbag broke me. I never thought it was possible for another to completely and totally destroy someone's spirit, their very essence until i experienced it. I am so thankful and grateful that i had my children, my family, my friends, and most importantly my faith to fall back on and to support me through that heart breaking time. the amount of excruiating pain i felt when he broke my heart, i would never wish upon anyone. it's so hard to imagine that something that is completely based on emotions would be the worst physical pain you could ever experience. Although that was the worst time of my life, i know now and truly believe that it has left me open for the most amazing times to come. I will meet that wonderful man when i least expect it. He will be my counterpart, he will inspire and challenge me, i will always strive to be my best so that we can be our best. He will be an upstanding and phenominal man that will be strong in his faith and unfailing in his love and fidelity. Some one who cherishes me as much as i cherish myself, who acknowledges my flaws but thrives on my strengths. Most importantly, someone who is willing to be completely devouted to our family, who can accept my children as his own, and can be that strong male figure. who can stand with me and demonstrate what to my children what marriage and love is truly about and raise them in a Christian home.

wow, sometimes i think i expect too much. on the flip side, i think i have experienced too much of the bad and too little of the good. I feel there are certain things that you shouldn't compromise on. Honor, faith, loyalty, integrity, respect, love, devotion, fidelity.. these are just the basic foundations.

haha.... totally not what i even intended on blogging about. Thanks so much twinnie! You completely got me off track on this blog. i'll try again later.. p.s. if it's meant to be it'll happen. God will always show me the way ♥

Alrighty First Blog... hehehe

So I've been thinking about doing this for awhile.. it seems like there's always so much going on in my life and i never have anywhere to discuss or decipher it, so welcome to my Blog.. I'm newly 28... weird, because I seem to be getting older but i don't necessarily feel older.. idk. Anyways, I have 3 minis, an 11 year old who seems to think she's somewhat grown, a 7 year old who is my only son and he's a regular happy boy, and my 6 year old who totally acknowledges and expects to be treated like the princess she is. We've been a big happy family for the past hmm 10 or 11 years until one day, my husband who i have been with FOREVER, decides to find a girlfriend, whom we'll refer to as dph (dirty pirate hooker), and move out without a backwards glance to his family.. so now I'm a single mom to three of the best children i could ever ask for and on my own for the first time in my life... Scary right? totally!

So at this point in my life, I have been single for almost a year now... the ex and dph just welcomed their brand new baby girl into the world the day before my birthday... woo hoo... i'm so excited.. especially since at that point, it had been umm idk maybe 8 months since we had split.. yep do the math.. dph got pregnant before he left me.. wow that's great. Anyways, they have a beautiful little girl and my babies are happy to have a new little sister so it's all well that ends well.. my life is now minus 1 complete doucher... congrats to me :)

it's all whatevs.. i'm pretty much over the whole situation and wish them nothing but the best. however for some strange reason, dph likes to randomly harass me.. i don't understand it really.. i mean she slept with my husband yet she hates me? weirdo.. i have reliquished all rights or feelings for him so please leave me in peace.. k? good.
just thougth i would give you a slight back story... from here on out it's current events if you're alright with that.

At this current point in my life, I'm Happy... Like for real it's been a LONG time since i could say that without a fake smile... I have a career I love, I have the best family and friends who support me no matter what, i have amazing children, and i have taken a tremendeous amount of time to learn who I am again and rebuild my spirit. I'm finally at a place where i think, hmm may be i can trust someone again, maybe I can love someone without reserves.. well i'm not actively seeking but i am open to it again.. yaya... i'm not destroyed.. i'm not tainted.. i'm not hopelessly beyond repair.. i'm an awesomely amazing woman who any man would be blessed to have me in his life... woo hoo!! woot! woot!

Now i am at the point where I'm starting to try and figure out what i want, and what do ya know.. it's like God knows this and brings this amazingly good guy into my life. I don't understand it but knowing him makes me want to be a better person. i feel blessed to have him as a friend.. well someone who is becoming a friend. I have no idea if anything will ever happen with him, but I can honestly and truly say that since I have know him, I have lived my life a bit differently, I've continuely strived each and every day to better myself and to make the best decision I could based on doing what's right. I truly feel as though, I have actively worked to improve my relationship with God and with myself, since meeting him. It's like inspirational. the best part is, he has absolutely no idea what type of impact he's had on me.

To me it just makes no sense for someone i've known for such a short amount of time to inspire such a change in me. I have no rhyme or reason for the events that have occured in my life since he has become a part of it but i do know that my spirit is strong, my faith is at its strongest and i feel like just hopeful and optimistic. I will prolly never tell him of the impact he's had one me, because honestly it's a little creepy.. ok super creepy.. however i do know that God has brought him into my life for a reason. oh my, if only this made more sense lol..