Maybe it's just me.. id frickin k

so i'm just curious like how can a man who doesn't pay child support, because he thinks it's ridiculous, and only spends time with his children when he has time possibly criticize the woman who spends every single day working and furthering her education and raising their children with high morals and a genuinely happy life? I mean i'm the one who's here every night doing homework with them, tucking them into bed, kissing their owies, trying to make sense of this mess that their father created. I mean honestly, do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to your child that sometimes things just happen and no it doesn't mean daddy doesn't love them. That no, marriage isn't ever about giving up or having a girlfriend that's pregnant, but sometimes things happen that you don't understand. Jeez... why is it always me who has to fix everything? explaining to the children that they're getting a new baby sister, smiling when she's born and letting them know that she's beautiful. Never saying anything bad about their father or the woman who destroyed our marriage. It's exhausting. Especially considering the fact that he's in the Military and I did everything I could to make this as easy as possible. I didn't try to destroy his career because there had been a history of physical abuse and infidelity. It would have been so easy especially with him having a child with another woman, but I wasn't and never have been vengeful. I just wanted out. I wanted my children and I wanted out to start over and maybe, someday, find someone who can love me the same way i love him, someone who will provide the same support for me that i provide for him. It's ridiculous that he allowed this woman, and i use that term loosely, to post degrading things about me on facebook, for her to call my phone or send me text msgs saying the most horrific things to me. SHE is the one who was sleeping with my husband, not the other way around. SHE is the one who moved into MY house. She created this situation for herself by getting involved with a married man. I didn't even make it difficult. I just let it go. I never contacted him. the only time i talked to him or saw him was when he initiated contact. I'm not trying to be the victim. She actually did me a HUGE favor. I was always so afraid to leave him. I knew if i did he would kill me. He came close quite a few times. It had to be on his terms his choice, unless i wanted to go into hiding. So i followed my vow and took the good with the bad and always hoped for things to change. That he would stop drinking, that he would stop hitting me, that he would stop cheating on me, that he would actually come home when he got off work, that he would actually want to spend time with his family. I prayed so hard that it would be all the good times, and that when the bad came, it wouldn't be as bad. That I wouldn't end up with a broken nose, or a broken face, that i wouldn't have multiple concussions or get knocked down the stairs or dragged down the street by my hair. That before he kicked me or stomped on my head, he would realize that I'm his WIFE, I'm the woman how had always stood by him no matter what, but that was never the case. It never stopped him. He would always hit me or kick me or stomp on me and spit on me while telling me how worthless i am, how stupid i was, how it was all my fault for making him so angry that he had to do this to me. Then when it was all over with, if i was still conscious, i would crawl up the stairs to bed or into the bathroom to shower, to get the blood off or to cry myself to sleep. If i wasn't he would pick me up and carry me to bed or leave me there until i was able to make it myself. It NEVER changed. ever. Even when he was wounded on deployment and in DC at a medical center there, I was right there with him for him. Then came St. Patty's Day, our entire family was there, my mother in law, my brother in law, the children. We were all out there for the week because it was St. Patrick's Day, then my birthday, then our wedding anniversary. It was something for all of us to celebrate because we had been through so much and we managed to work it out, we managed to give it another chance. He had almost lost his life and it was one of those life changing experiences, which made him realize his family was the most important thing to him and that I was the most important to him. But then came Saint Patricks Day. I should have known, every previous year it had been the same outcome so why oh why would this one be any different? we went to an Irish Pub and ate, then proceed to do Irish Car Bombs.. pretty much my favorite bomb ever, but you've gotta not overindulge because they sneak up on you.. well him and his brother were slamming them. I decided that we should probably leave because they were getting schwasted and he tends to get angry when he drinks. Well everything was fine, we got back to his room, and we started talking about how far we had made it and our upcoming anniversary and how marriage is always about forever. Then it happened, he snapped. it ended with me running to the front desk telling them that my husband is trying to kill me. their response was, "Ma'am, the soldiers here are under a lot of stress. You need to go back to your room and talk to your husband." Stupid me.. what did i expect to happen. I knew better. there were families on either side of us, their husband's beat them just about every night. You would hear the screaming and the banging. you would hear the connect as he landed his hit. The wives would hide out for a few days only going outside to take their children to the small playground outside of the hall. always with hoodies and big sunglasses on. I knew better. So back to the room i went. Needless to say the next few days, I slept. I got up to do things with the family and of course dinners to celebrate my birthday and our wonderful marriage... but other than that i slept. His mother gave me pain pills and i would cover the bruises as best i could. That had become my life and I had openly accepted that it would never change. However that was also the last time he put his hands on me. I flew home a week later and he came home the following month, but he stayed at his brothers, then he went back to DC. We kept working on our marriage but then a few days after he got home in July, I found out about her... then I found out she was pregnant.

So after all of this, I told him all i want are my children and a divorce. Fine he said that's fine with me as long as i don't file under adultry. Ok fine. I don't want to ruin your career or your life. I just want you out of mine.

I don't know what else to do. I've come so far since this whole situation. I am truly happy with where my life is now and I feel like I've found myself. My children are thriving and, albeit, we still have conversations about mommy and daddy and their little sister and even her, they have an acceptance of it and understand that it is not what marriage is or should ever be. I'm finally to the place where i feel like i can actually date actually be with someone and not bring all my bad stuff in from my past relationship. I feel at peace with myself and feel as though i want so much more from my next relationship. I don't see the point of anything less than forever, but in order to achieve that, you've gotta start with someone who has the same values as you, who has a strong faith, who is in general a good man. I will always want the role of the loving and supportive wife, it's what I know how to do, however this time I will be more discerning as to ensure he is worth it.

gosh, i got off topic, which was, yes, i'm extremely annoyed that after all this he wants to complain about my working full time while taking 16 hours of class... ugh.